1 day post-op

Today was a rough day. Johnny has been pretty uncomfortable most of the day and had a few episodes of more intense pain. The name of the game today was pain management. He's been on regular pain meds and we've needed to give him morphine a couple of times. He's also been running a low grade fever all day. That's normal post-op, if it continues tomorrow that may be of concern, or if it gets above 101 degrees. They are closely monitoring the sight of the closure because there is a risk of infection there. He's receiving antibiotics.

The hardest part about this is that Johnny can't nurse. Even though he's receiving IV fluids I'm sure he's still feeling  a little hungry. But more than that, that's his greatest source of comfort. It's like someone took away his blanket, but it's still in the room and they won't give it back. He's had a pacifier in his mouth the entire day, a real first. This boy never takes a pacifier. It breaks my hart because I know nursing would soothe him so much. 

We've been smelling some toots that don't belong to either Alex or me! Alex actually heard him toots once too! And just this evening our nurse said she could finally hear some little bubbles in his bowel. If this continues they said we can start feeding him again tomorrow! 

In the meantime we are trying to give him as much comfort as possible. We've just been holding him all day, taking turns rocking him in the rocking chair. He's mostly been dozing, but he's had a few wakeful moments where he's been interested in toys, or in trying to pull the IV out of his foot. But when he falls asleep he holds onto our hands and won't let go.

It's been frustrating to see Johnny this uncomfortable. After his last surgery he was basically back to normal after 24 hours. But we were told that this procedure would have a slower recovery and that Johnny would have a harder time post-op. All the nurses have said that he seems normal. But it's still hard to watch and hard not to worry that he won't feel better. 

Prayer requests tonight:
-First that Johnny would not be in pain and be able to get some good rest.

-That Alex and I would be able to get some sleep too! (We got about 5 hours last night) 

-That Johnny's fever would go away

That he would not developed an infection

-That he can start nursing tomorrow 

-And that he poops real soon!!!

Thanks friends!



The Last Hurrah

It's official: Johnny no longer has an ostomy!  But it wasn't going to go without a fight.  This week has been the WORST for bag leaks. We changed two bags Saturday, one bag Sunday, one bag Monday, three bags Tuesday (that was a record), and then today, Thursday, this morning at the hospital about 30 minutes before operating time, the ostomy gave one last hurrah. All over my sweater.  But it's done, over, I will never have to change another ostomy bag in my life. (though I still feel the need to knock on wood.)

It was a rough morning at home.  The cut off time for feeding Johnny before surgery was 3:30 this morning.  I nursed him then and we went back to sleep.  But he woke up at 5:30 wanting to nurse, which we could not longer do. It is the worst feeling in the world to know your child is hungry and not be able to feed him. Alex tried to bounce him back to sleep but he wasn't having it, so we were up at 5:30, then checked into the hospital at 7:30. Johnny was pretty cranky, and it was hard for me to hold him because he just wanted nurse and we were both frustrated.

Surgery was scheduled for 9:00 am and  lasted about about an hour.  Johnny was away from us for about 3 hours total. They don't let parents back into the operating room with babies, so when it was time to go back the anesthesiologist carried him away. It's always a little sad for me to see Johnny being carried down the hall.  He's a pretty brave little boy though!

Surgery went well! Johnny has a pretty big incision at the sight of the closure.  Even though this procedure was not as complicated the anal reconstruction it will be a harder recovery.  The anus is in a region of the body that just doesn't see a lot of action. You sit on it, but it stays pretty stationary, unlike his abdomen. Every time he twists or scrunches his stomach the sight of that closure is giving him some discomfort. He's had a couple of doses of morphine, but for the most part he's just on mild pain relievers. He's been pretty out of it and sleeping restlessly.

Now we are just waiting for a poop! We are told this will probably take a couple of days (although one of the docs told me there is another kid in for the same thing who has been waiting six days!!) Johnny can't have anything orally until we see that first stool. Not being able to nurse him has been the hardest thing for me. I know it would be such a comfort to him and help him sleep better. Last time I was nursing him within 5 hours of surgery. But now I have no idea when I will be able to nurse him next.  I've got my pump along and am having some major flashbacks to our NICU days when the cycle of pumping, washing my pump parts, holding my baby, and eating something is all I do.  It's not very much fun. They did say that if he really starts to perk up and if they are hearing bowl sounds, they might let him start nursing even though he hasn't pooped yet.  We've smelled some gas! So that's a start!! Have you ever been so excited about gas? Probably not.  

During each of our hospital stays I am always amazed by how, even though we're not really doing much, the days are so busy.  There is always someone coming in our room or to check some piece of equipment that has gone off beeping. Alex and I have been watching the West Wing on Netflix (I know, I know, ten years late), and we had the very last two episodes left.  We decided we would watch them and will all the interruptions it took us from 3:00 on the afternoon to 10:00 at night!

Alex and I have been so appreciative of all the prayers and support we've been getting from family and friends.  I can definitely feel the peace of the Lord even in the midst of this stress and frustration.  We'd love it if everyone could say a few prayers today for a big diaper blowout! that would be great!

More updates to come.

Thanks!

A very groggy Johnny gets a visit from Grandma and Grandpa Shepperd


This is our view. Not bad!

FINALLY got Johnny to stay asleep in his crib. Note the pacifier.  He never takes them, but he's so desperate to nurse he'll take it now.  Poor baby. 

Traditions







































Christmas Eve Mass. Familiar songs and great anticipation. 
Presents with Alex's family.
Johnny was infinitely more interested in the bows and wrapping paper than any actual gifts.
The evening went much later than Johnny is accustomed to, so he ended up asleep under the tree. 
Christmas morning as a family of three.  This is a tradition I'm really looking forward to. Our own family, our own home, our own tree and gifts and stockings and coffee mugs.
Later on Christmas morning we spend time with my family.
Breakfast mimosas and many cookies and baked treats
A tradition that is only a few years old, but a favorite for many, is a time a sharing before gifts.  Poems, stories, songs.  This years selections consisted of a few scripture readings, the Christmas Truce of 1914, a piano reflection, a history of the carol "What Child is This?" and a lesson on why it was so outrageous that shepherd's were among the first to hear glad tidings of the Christ.
Presents followed by a lazy afternoon of napping followed by a crisp Christmas walk and a Christmas bowl.
The evening ends with the traditional pot pie meal at Alex's parents home.  Twenty people cram around the dining room table for one of our favorite meals of the entire year.

It was a beautiful Christmas filled with family and all our traditions. It's exciting to me to know that in just a few years all these traditions will be things that Johnny loves and looks forward to. He'll talk about them throughout the year and remember how it was the year before. And as our family grows we will make more traditions of our own. And they will become the things we look forward to. 


Christ Climbed Down

I heard this poem for the first time several years ago and think of it often during the Christmas season.  It is so snowy and quiet and beautiful here in MN, and the words just strike me as so fitting.  I hope you can read it and find something meaningful in it.  And I hope that your Christmas has been Peaceful and Joy-filled


*****

Christ Climbed Down
by Lawrence Ferlinghetti


CHRIST climbed down 
from His bare Tree 
this year
and ran away to where 
there were no rootless Christmas trees 
hung with candycanes and breakable stars
Christ climbed down 
from His bare Tree
this year
and ran away to where
there were no gilded Christmas trees
and no tinsel Christmas trees 
and no tinfoil Christmas trees 
and no pink plastic Christmas trees 
and no gold Christmas trees 
and no black Christmas trees 
and no powderblue Christmas trees 
hung with electric candles 
and encircled by tin electric trains 
and clever cornball relatives
Christ climbed down 
from His bare Tree 
this year
and ran away to where 
no intrepid Bible salesmen 
covered the territory 
in two-tone cadillacs 
and where no Sears Roebuck creches 
complete with plastic babe in manger 
arrived by parcel post 
the babe by special delivery 
and where no televised Wise Men 
praised the Lord Calvert Whiskey

Christ climbed down 
from His bare Tree 
this year
and ran away to where 
no fat handshaking stranger 
in a red flannel suit 
and a fake white beard 
went around passing himself off 
as some sort of North Pole saint 
crossing the desert to Bethlehem 
Pennsylvania
in a Volkswagon sled 
drawn by rollicking Adirondack reindeer 
with German names 
and bearing sacks of Humble Gifts 
from Saks Fifth Avenue
for everybody's imagined Christ child
Christ climbed down 
from His bare Tree 
this year
and ran away to where 
no Bing Crosby carollers 
groaned of a tight Christmas 
and where no Radio City angels 
iceskated wingless 
thru a winter wonderland 
into a jinglebell heaven 
daily at 8:30
with Midnight Mass matinees
Christ climbed down 
from His bare Tree 
this year
and softly stole away into 
some anonymous Mary's womb again 
where in the darkest night 
of everybody's anonymous soul 
He awaits again 
an unimaginable and impossibly 
Immaculate Reconception 
the very craziest 
of Second Comings

****
Merry Christmas!




Last Christmas

I'm doing a Throwback Thursday to Christmas with my family last year. You may notice a little photo-bombing going on in some of these pictures.





















Christmas is that time of year when I realize that I am becoming more and more like my mother.  Instead of buying people things they ask for, buying them things I think they should have.  After the tree has been decorated going back and moving the ornaments to where I think they'd look best.  Not just my tree, other people's trees as well.  Crying during Every Holiday Film.  And in case my mom ever reads this, I'm not implying this is a bad thing, just something I've observed.

Four More Weeks

This seems like an appropriate time to write a post about dealing with an ostomy bag because I have averaged about one bag change a day for the past week.  (We usually get about three days out of one bag.) Johnny had an X-ray with contrast medium done on his colon yesterday to make sure there were no kinks in it, and it looks great! So barring any bout of the flu, we are on track to have the take down procedure done January 9th.  Just four more weeks of dealing with an ostomy bag and it can't come soon enough.  There have never been two parents more eager to change a poopie diaper than Alex and I!

While changing Johnny's bag is not fun, and worrying about it leaking at inopportune times is a constant stress, his bag is a perfect example of how a person (me) can get used to just about anything. When we were learning how to change Johnny's bag in the NICU it took both Alex and me with the help of a nurse to get it done.  I ask the nurse if she ever did this by herself, and she nonchalantly replied, "all the time!" I couldn't imagine ever being able to it on my own.  But I was forced to pretty quickly. Johnny's bag leaked on Alex's first day back at work-- my first day home alone with the baby.  It took two attempts and 45 minutes to change that bag. Johnny screamed the whole time, and I was crying by the end. Now, if all goes well, I can do it in about 10 minutes, no tears!

For those who are curious: here is what a typical bag change is like!

Here is Johnny with the leaking bag.  The book is to keep him distracted  so he doesn't pull the bag completely off and get poop all over himself.


This is an ostomy bag.  While I get the new bag ready Alex takes the old bag off, using a damp cloth, and gets Johnny all cleaned up. 


Using a pattern saved from the previous bag I trace an opening the size of the stoma.


Then I cut out the whole.


This is a sticky putty called cohesive, I make a ring of it to go around the opening I just cut.


Like this!


Now the bag is all ready to be applied.  But today we had time to give Johnny a bath, which is nice to do because then the skin at the sight of the stoma can get really clean and makes a better seal for the new bag. So here's a picture of Johnny checking out the water faucet.


Clean baby!


This stuff is called "No Sting". It is very very sticky and makes a seal on the skin so the bag sticks better, and also protects the skin when we remove the bag. 


After applying No Sting we can put the bag on. This is the new bag over the stoma.  Yup, that is Johnny's intestine you see there!


Then we use a very high tech piece of equipment called a Tootsie Warmer to help melt the seal.  Just kidding, it's just a bag of beans that we used to heat up and put in the bottom of our bed when it's cold.



There was a small window, when Johnny was about 3 months old, when he was old enough that he didn't cry during bag changes, but young enough that he wasn't rolling around.  Now the hardest part is keeping him still while putting on the bag and waiting for the seal to set. But other than that it's not too bad!


When Johnny first got his colostomy and the doctors told us he would have it for 6 to 9 months it felt like it would be a life time. But now we're almost done! Just as we are getting some closure (literally!) to one big phase of our life a new chapter of uncertainty is opening up.  We had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon this past week to do some more x-rays of Johnny's spine. After we found out that the original concern that his tail bone might be tethered to some other part of his body was not an issue I began to breath easy about his back.  He has some curvature in the thoracic region of his spine, but lots of people live with scoliosis and it's no big deal.  But on Wednesday the doctor was concerned that Johnny's head tilts to the left, all the time. He pulled up images from the MRI he had done in September to look at the top two vertebrae.  He has an atlanto-axial instability.  Which means the bones didn't form right and the junction in the top vertebrae is too loose and his head is not being supported as it should be. Babies bones take a long time to fully form, so we will be repeating some imaging when he is a year old, and that will give us a better idea of how much, if any, intervention he will need. Worst case, he would need another surgery to put his head on straight. ie: locking his neck into place. I'm told it's not a risky surgery, but he would have limited range of motion in his neck for the rest of his life. If it's not too bad, he may just need a neck brace. There is a chance that his bones will form well enough that he won't need anything. But for now we just don't know.

This appointment was very frustrating. When we are at home living our lives it's very easy to forget we have a baby with health problems.  We're reminded when his bag leaks. But soon we won't even have to deal with that. He wears hearing aids, but I'm so used to them now, it's like having a kid with glasses. I was really beginning to feel like we were putting medical issues behind us and that things would become normal, only to be thrown back into uncertainty and worry.  

This weekend is the third Sunday of Advent- Gaudete Sunday. Rejoice! And in the readings there was a theme of healing. 

Be strong, fear not!
Here is your God,
he comes with vindication;
with divine recompense
he comes to save you.
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened,
the ears of the deaf be cleared;
then will the lame leap like a stag,
then the tongue of the mute will sing.
~Isaiah 35:4-6

I don't believe in flipping open the Bible at random to get an answer from God. But I do believe He has a way of telling us what we need to hear when we need to hear it, and I needed to hear those words. Our God heals; bodies, but also hearts. He heals disease, but also fear. And he is with us, and Johnny. If you are reading, will you commit to praying for Johnny spine between now and his first birthday? I know that the Lord's will will be done. I know he can heal Johnny's spine. I want my will to be aligned with His. 

//Thanks!//

Seasons

I've been thinking a lot about seasons.  Season of life. I'm in a season where the scope of my life is small, almost exclusively focused on one human being.  Well, two. Sorry Alex! We don't go out much, that was a season past. I don't sleep much. I don't shower much.  I don't paint my nails. That's what this season looks like.

Seasons of weather. Here in Minnesota we are fortunate (?) enough to really experience all four season.  Our summers are humid and 100 degrees and just the other day the high was -2.  The HIGH!! Although I hate being cold winter is really a beautiful season. Snow is beautiful. Bare trees are beautiful.  The days are short. There is more darkness and silence.

Seasons of the Church.  I am truly glad that I live in the northern hemisphere so that advent and Christmas occur during winter. I just can't imagine having Christmas when it's warm outside. And I think it is so beautiful that we await the coming of the Savior in darkness. That all His glory and light break in when night is all around.

The women who I am friends with and mothers with have been talking about ways to prepare for His coming: reading more, examining one's conscience, unplugging and simplifying life, making silence, because silence fosters prayer which fosters growth. And it's been inspiring me to cut back, on social media, but mostly on TV.  Anyone with an infant knows that you tend to do a lot of sitting around, and since Johnny's conversation right now is not the most stimulating my sitting around is a lot more fun with Netflicks on in the background. But like I've said before.  I know this season of my life is short, and Johnny won't be a baby for very long. I don't want to waste it watching past seasons of "What Not to Wear". (On a related note, Alex and I are seeing that we are going to have to change our habits quickly in order to raise our children the way we have talked about. TV only at night when Johnny's asleep.  Meals at the table. Read more books. I want Johnny to see me reading more than just my smart phone.) Anyway, I love it that the Church gives us these seasons to restart and refocus.

It is a custom with many Christians to anticipate the arrival of
Christmas...by fitting up in their homes a crib to represent the
birth of Jesus Christ; but there are few who think to prepare their
hearts, so that the infant Jesus may be born in them...
Let us consider...how the eternal Word had no other end in becoming
man than to inflame us with his divine love.
~St. Alphonsus Liguori 




...Lately...

Today. The day I finally got it. After trying for two weeks. A picture of Johnny's first teeth.  

He cut them about a week after we got home from the hospital.  The few days leading up to that were not pleasant and it was very hard to tell if he was still experiencing discomfort from the surgery or if it was just teething.  And then one Saturday morning our suspicions were confirmed-- not one, but TWO little chompers had cut through.  That night and the following night Johnny slept for 8 hours straight. He was very well rested but I still woke up every hour or so wondering why he wasn't waking up to nurse. 

Here's the money shot:


Here are some of our prior attempts:


here you can almost see the teeth but his saliva is creating a glare.


the little stinker, just clamps his mouth shut and smiles.

when he cries you can kind of see them, but again, too much saliva-glare.

the old stick-out-the-tongue trick.

 It's so exciting to see Johnny reach some new miles stones. He's been rolling from his front to back for a while but just last week started rolling from back to front.  And he likes to hold onto his feet and pull off his socks. I know that's not an official milestone.  But it's new for us!





But something about seeing those two teeth come in really impressed me with the realization that Johnny will be a baby for only a very short time.  Right now it seems like about a thousand years, but I know that when I look back on my life it will be but a breath. And though it's hard and I'm tired and I "can't get anything done", I know I have to stop trying to do stuff and just cherish this time with my baby.



Speaking of mothering an infant being extremely difficult and tiring, I got to have a little pampering last week.  I had received a gift card to a salon from some very kind souls after Johnny was born and I just got around to using for a mani/pedi. (I know! Just in time for winter!) It had been months since I had painted my toenails and I don't even attempt my fingernails anymore.  It was such a nice treat to have a little alone time and get all the nasties scraped off my feet.

Ok, since I know you're dying for one, here's a before and after:




 I've been thinking a lot about how being a mom is a job that you never get a break from.  Like marriage, it's something that you take on, not for a season, or until you're ready for something new, but for life.  When I got married my entire identity changed, never to go back.  And I took on a new name to reflect that.  Now as a mother my identity has changed again.  Proof of that would be that now when you look at photos of me on Facebook they're all actually photos of Johnny. You get breaks from school.  You leave your job at the end of the day.  Even if you have a really stressful job, there are still time you take a vacation and can separate yourself from it.  But I will never stop being a mother. Even when I leave the house by myself for a couple of hours to get my nails done my baby is on my mind.  And as nice, and important, as a little "me time" is, I will never be completely at ease until I am with him again.

In other news....

We had a follow up for Johnny's last surgery yesterday. The main purpose of this appointment was to begin dilation.  At the risk of being too graphic: scar tissue normally gets smaller as it heals, but we don't want Johnny's brand new rectal opening to get smaller.  We actually want it to get a little bigger so that he can pass his stools without too much difficulty.  And so, everyday for the next month I get to insert a stainless steal rod into Johnny's rectum.  Then we'll get a slightly bigger rod, and I'll do it every other day for a month. Then every three days for a month. Then twice a week for a month, once a week for a month, then monthly, to make sure it's not getting smaller.

Apart from a bag change every two or three days, I forget about Johnny's medical issues.  Most of the time of the time our parenting feels very normal, and then I have to stick a metal rod up my baby's butt and I am reminded that our situation is in fact, not normal.  The dilation hurts him, he cries pretty hard, and the sight of the incision bleeds.  I usually have a pretty strong stomach but this makes me a little queasy. The surgeon said that the first few days are the worst and by this time next week it won't hurt him any more.  I hope so, because right now it's the worst part of my day.

We will have one more appointment mid December to see how the dilation is going and get an x-ray of Johnny's colon from the stoma down.  And if all looks well then he will have his (hopefully) final surgery January 9th.

Our little boy is so brave and so tough.  It's also such a blessing to think that he won't remember any of this.